ALONE OR FREE? Dr Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationship Self Help

DOWNTIME



Can you do Downtime?
Downtime is time alone without a partner, significant other—just time with you. When you are comfortable all by yourself, you gain personal power and freedom.
Learning to do the downtime between valid relationships eliminates desperate, energy-wasting pseudo-relationships with the unavailable or incapable. The individual who is comfortable alone creates a strong base. You can fill Downtime by perfecting behaviors to increase the numbers and quality of potential partners, as well as to enhance your current lifestyle.
Learning how to do Downtime is empowering. Desperation and fear of abandonment may cause you to cling to a current partner, simply because you are afraid to be alone and lonely. Overt dependence is ice water on a new love’s passion. You soon begin to smell like a dead albatross around your partner’s neck. You have to learn how to live alone before you can successfully be a half a couple. Many people never learn how to do this. They live with their parents, go straight to college to live with roommates, or get married right away to their childhood sweetheart. Some get apartments and first jobs, and then move a boyfriend or girlfriend in as soon as possible.
Even if they are sick of their partner and want to get rid of the relationship, they cling on desperately, lest the find themselves alone. When faced with a death or a divorce later, they panic. It is essential that you spend a period of your life, six-months (or a year if you are younger) perhaps, right after college, or in-between marriages or relationships just learning to live alone well.
Living alone does not mean you take every single opportunity to go to bars in hopes of meeting a lover to fill the painful, lonely void. Most of our mistakes in love result from an impulsive rush into promising deals, without taking some time to think things through properly.
Living alone means waking up in the morning and asking, “What would I like to do this morning?” or “What would be fun for me to do?” These activities do not have to include a partner. Ironically, the right kind of partners do seem to come along as soon as you aren’t looking and are involved in interesting activities, because you act self-sufficient—and that is very attractive.

BIO:

Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love.” She is an authority on relationship and psychological topics, a member of the American Psychological Association and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in Psychology Today, O Magazine, Newsday, MSN.com, Match.com, Women’s Health, The Nest, AIA, Manage Smarter and Women’s World. Please visit: http://www.askdrmolly.com http://www.DrMollyBarrow.com/

Help me end world hunger with Heifer Dr Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationship Self Help

Hi,

I'm doing something really important this holiday season that you can help me with. I'm working to end hunger by raising money for Heifer International.

Visit my website at:

http://DrMollyBarrow.com

Or you can go directly to my donation page at:

http://ga6.org/heifer/fundraising/drmolly-85528

I'm counting on you to pitch in and help reach my goal. Any donation large or small will help us get there!

I chose Heifer International to help because they are a wonderful organization working to end hunger and poverty in the world. For more than six decades, Heifer has been helping poor families around the world become self-reliant by providing animals and the training to care for them. Each recipient family promises to pass along offspring from their animal to another family in need.

Heifer's simple but effective solution has helped more than seven million families -- 38 million people -- in more than 125 countries including the US, where more than 10 million people are chronically hungry.

Thank you in advance for taking a moment to go online and help me help Heifer.

Sincerely,

Molly Barrow

Sameness and Rev. King Dr. Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationship Self Help

I am thrilled to have been invited to participate in the 10th Annual Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., Parade 2007 Celebration. Will you all join me in celebrating a gentle man of vision and peace, a movement of equality, and a declaration of solidarity. Regardless of petty people who attempt to classify everyone into meaningless “names” – blacks, whites, rich, poor, male, female, deserving, less, religious, atheist, smart, smarter… we are almost exactly the same. Our DNA is 98% the same as some animals, so how close am I to you? If we are the same, do we need to fight over color, land, or religion? It is wasteful and incredibly stupid to fight with anyone. I will march for sameness- me to you. Just maybe, if you look deeply into another’s eyes, you will see the sameness there instead of words of differences.

Commit and Make the Right Decisions Dr Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationship Self Help

How to Commit and Make the Right Decisions
By
Dr. Molly Barrow



Do you stand immobile at a fork in your career road? Do you feel ambiguous about your job, relationship or purpose? Here are some helpful tips to find the right path to solid psychological ground.

1. Commit to Yourself First.
Commitment to yourself means that you work hardest for your dreams and goals, not everyone else’s. Do you feel powerless? You are powerful. The power to change is already in you. Your accomplishments reflect your commitment because even with some bad luck along the way, committed people can become president or famous or happy. You can rarely attain big goals without commitment as a top value. Commitment means that if you decide to lose five pounds or fifty, you do not take a few walks then give up. Instead, you work up to a walk of an hour or two each day until you succeed. Commitment means that your finish the projects. Commitment means you show up. Whatever it takes, you are committed. Commitment starts in the morning and runs until you fall asleep. A nasty failure-voice that says you deserve a break or a treat is not your friend. Commitment bears the pain and deserves the win.

2. This is Your Doing.
Where you are today is a result of your patterns and past choices. Repeat often, “I gladly take responsibility for changing my life.” If you blame someone else, the world, your partner or God because you are not happy, then you will remain absolutely glued to your excuses and blaming. To get control of your own life means you stop whining and blaming others. If you want things to be different, then you must be the one to do it. Other people are busy with their own lives. They will walk right over you and not even notice that you were waiting for someone to make you happy, to fix your pain or to balance your checkbook. What is the point of a lame attitude that is mostly concerned with looking innocent? “I didn’t do it.” Would you want those words to be a synopsis of an entire irresponsible life? After today, eagerly say, “I did it!” regarding your life decisions.

3. Who Do You Want to Be?
Sometimes societal pressures push you into desperately settling for any job or relationship just to fulfill the role. Loss of self-esteem is just one of the severe consequences resulting from succumbing to predetermined societal roles or familial roles. What do you value about your life? List your goals and values in a hierarchy of what is the most important. When you become rock solid with your values then pervasive change happens. Did you include your health near the top? Without your health, you will not have much time to work on your other values and goals. As you take baby-steps in the direction of your “self,” expect a backlash of resistance from family and friends who may try to keep you neatly placed as the “old you.” That is because they are afraid of change.

4. Feel the Force.
You are more than just an individual; you have history! Your DNA goes back to the first people on earth. You have a connection with all the people who have ever lived and strived from the beginning of human history. You can add self-esteem by the ton to whatever you have accomplished in your own life if you think of yourself as a link in a wonderful chain. Remember the people who have died to win us our freedom from old enemies that we now call friends, from prejudice, chauvinism, religious intolerance, serfdom, slavery— and the list goes on back through history. You come from a long line of people who made good enough decisions to survive and reproduce. Pretend the heroes and heroines of yesterday are watching. A good decision gene is in you, somewhere.

5. Personal Goals and Values.
Do you only “follow directions” or do you “think for yourself?” The personal goals and values you choose are the road signs of every decision you make. What you do is a part of the whole and can affect many other lives. Make sure the voice in your head is your own and that your decisions are not just what you were “told” by someone else. List your personal goals and values and really think them through. Your health, your family’s health, your children as a priority, your job as a priority, love, peace of mind, safety, clean world, food, and water, honesty, integrity, sacrificing now for a peaceful, secure future, God, and country-all are possible directions and values to incorporate in your plan. Think of each of these virtues in the big picture, from a global perspective right down to your own neighborhood and your life. What relationship do you want our world leaders to have with each other—a healthy assertive balanced relationship or an abusive aggressive hate-creating one?

6. Stand Up.
If you just lie there like a doormat, everyone will walk all over you. That is your fault for lying down on the floor and letting them. The stronger, more aggressive person will trudge right over you to get what they want. Until the weaker person becomes stronger, to the point of balance and equity, their business and personal relationships are horribly unbalanced and eventually fail. Will the strong-willed partner notice the inequity of the relationship and help the weaker one? No. Whatever is different about your beliefs, you can voice your opinion and have a “say.” Because each time you do, the prison door opens a little more for oppressed people everywhere.

7. Take the Hurts.
Take your hits like a winner, admit when you blew it, make the best of a situation or leave it, then continue to whistle while you work. No one wants to come near a big baby, much less take the time to assist you in achieving your personal goals if you just sit there complaining. Choose to take responsibility for you, stand up, move forward and clean up any mess yourself.

8. Room at the Top.
Greed spawns much abuse around the world. You can be someone better than that. Helping others succeed will build your success and is far more rewarding than trampling people on your way to the top. Take your posse with you and share the wealth and credit. Ask yourself if your plans impinges on anyone else in a way that he or she can no longer be free. You cannot predict how or when your small act of kindness, compassion or courage might change in a big way the world or your work.

9. Keep it Real.
Without integrity in both public and private actions, the direction you take will have little to do with a positive outcome. Can you raise your self-esteem and stand for more by selecting different values? When you incorporate good values that are your preferences, you will be proud of yourself, and as will your associates and family. Right now, you could begin to stand for something great. Real life soap operas have taught us many powerful and important lessons on the absurdity of life, proving the maxim: “You always get caught,” and and that a first rule of happiness is to: Stop Lying.

10. Commit for the Duration.
The last stretch of your journey may require some reaching. Maybe you do not have complete assurance that you will succeed, but you get out there anyway and pound away at your goal. Eventually, one day, you are there. Significant change in your life is only possible with this kind of commitment. Do you admire people who commit to their goals? If so, then choose to commit to what you want now and if it is not what you want later, you can change direction again. Feel confident, let go of all the wavering, questioning and vacillating of indecision, and simply go forward in the right direction.



BIO:

Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love.” She is a leading forensic expert and authority on relationship issues and a licensed mental health counselor. A member of the American Psychological Association, Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA, GO-CODE feature film My Suicide, WGUF-FM, the documentary "Ready to Explode," articles and interviews for Psychology Today, Newsday, O Magazine, AIA, Manage Smarter, MSN.com, Gannett Newswire, Match.com, Women’s Health, Women’s World, Hitched, Semana, Bride and Groom, Arizona Foothills, and The Nest. For more information, please visit: http://www.askdrmolly.com
and http://www.DrMollyBarrow.com/.

Irresistible? Quiz by Dr Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationship Self Help

Quiz

Find out if you are irresistible! Are you attracting other people or driving them away? The answer lies in how you relate to your family and friends! That’s what this quiz from Molly Barrow, Ph.D., author of Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love and http://www.askdrmolly.com/ reveals. In addition, it offers tools for strengthening your relationship skills!

1. When you walk into a crowded room, you:
a. Smile broadly, imaging how funny it would be to trip and sprawl in front of everyone.
b. Check out the crowd for someone new and interesting.
c. Secretly hope some of your friends are here so you will not be alone.

2. When you wake up in the morning:
a. You sing opera, juggle plates in the air and call everyone to breakfast in a foreign accent.
b. Walk into the kitchen, nude and pour yourself a cup of coffee.
c. You brush your teeth, comb your hair and put on a pretty robe.

3. When invited to speak at your local club, you:
a. Start out with a good joke and actually tell it well.
b. Make your speech up as you go along because you can.
c. Practice your speech for days and wear your best outfit.

4. Your favorite way to exercise is:
a. Dancing wildly in your living room to disco tunes.
b. Canoeing, mountain hiking, rock climbing, snowboarding - anything outdoors.
c. Pilates and yoga, because it brings out the spiritual side of movement.

5. When you have just heard some guilty gossip about your friend, you are most likely to:
a. Tease your friend until she laughs about the gossip, too.
b. Decide to try whatever your friend is doing.
c. Stop the gossip and never repeat it to anyone.

6. Your idea of good clean fun involves:
a. Hiding behind a door with a loaded squirt gun, awaiting the next fool who enters.
b. A hot tub and your husband.
c. Helping to raise money for your charity by washing cars.

7. Your fantasy date is:
a. Amateur night at the stand up comedian club.
b. Horseback riding on the beach.
c. A picnic at the park before a ballgame.

8. You hope your children:
a. Have children who are just like them.
b. Turn out more like you.
c. Turn out more like your spouse.

9. If you were president, the first thing you would do is:
a. Change the weekend to three days instead of two.
b. Make serving in the Peace Corps mandatory for teenagers.
c. Provide all children with a good breakfast.

10. You think your man is sexy when he:
a. Makes you laugh.
b. Takes you on an adventure.
c. Just walks in the room.

11. Your favorite time in school was:
a. At your locker between classes.
b. Climbing the rope to the gym ceiling.
c. Pottery and drawing.


Analysis
Mostly A’s - You are an Irresistibly FUNNY GIRL!
Your have an irresistible sense of humor and a contagious laugh, even if the jokes on you. Nothing sways you or defeats you, because you are secure and confident in most situations. You are good company for yourself, love life and never take yourself too seriously. People like to be near you because your good nature and positive attitude makes them feel good, too. That is unless you are teasing them again. Never a bystander and always entertaining, you have potential to be a performer and shine when the attention is on you. Be careful not to rely on jokes to cover up your real feelings. You can become funny and irresistible by putting yourself in your victim’s shoes and recognizing that humor taken too far becomes humiliation and shame. Tread careful to avoid hurting someone’s sensitive feelings. Learn to be more assertive and direct. Sometimes your jokes go too far and can get irritating so if someone asks you to stop teasing him or her, then stop. To help you understand other people’s feelings better, develop your spiritual side and look for a deeper meaning to your life. Do keep being happy and laughing with all your kindhearted humor.

Mostly B’s - You are an Irresistibly WILD FREE SPIRIT
Many people wish they had your courage and excitement. You enjoy life to the fullest. You are attracted to adventure and you love to push yourself to the limit. Your energy may intimidate more introverted and shy people, so you have to rein yourself in and calm down before you run over them. Your friends envy your tight muscles and youthful gait. Sometimes you even procrastinate just to make a task more challenging and often rush at the last minute. At parties, you have interesting stories to tell about your adventures around the country. The world revolves around you, everything you do is great according to you but you could be a bit self-centered. Your loved ones may need more attention from you and you could be letting them down. The bold risks you take may cause the people who love you to become clingy and afraid of losing you. You can increase your irresistibility factor by making a serious effort to give to others today and everyday, especially to your family and friends.

Mostly C’s - You have an Irresistibly BIG HEART.
You put others needs before your own. You are kind, giving and charming to be around. You are a treasured friend and loved by many. You always think before you act, you are reliable, prepared and want to make a good impression. Everyone describes you as nice. Are you playing it too safe? You try harder to please people just to be sure they need you too. You dress and act appropriately and sometimes seem boring. People do depend on you but often demand too much from you. However, you allow it. You are often the last one cleaning up or the first one to offer to drive on the field trip. Take time to be proud of yourself just the way you are because everyone has an equal right to this earth. To become more irresistible you must do some things for yourself, especially exercise and eat healthily. Stop being a slave to others and spend more time on looking and feeling hot for you and your partner.
BIO:

Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love.” She is a leading forensic expert and authority on relationship issues and a licensed mental health counselor. A member of the American Psychological Association, Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA, GO-CODE feature film My Suicide, WGUF-FM, the documentary "Ready to Explode," and interviews for Psychology Today, Newsday, O Magazine, AIA, MSN.com, Gannett Newswire, Hitched, Bride and Groom, and The Nest. Write Dr. Molly at http://www.askdrmolly.com/

Ten Ways to Get Unstuck from 3-D Doldrums

Ten Ways to Get Unstuck from 3-D Doldrums
by
Dr. Molly Barrow

Are you in your third decade and disillusioned, disappointed and disheartened at your career? Are you still in your “college” job that was supposed to be temporary? Do you use a credit card like a drug to make yourself feel better and then discover you cannot quit your dead-end job because you are in debt? After arriving into your twenties somewhat battered, filled with stale dreams and smarting from past rejections, your path to future success may elude you. Take a moment to review your possibilities. A happy ending is still possible. Here are ten ways to get unstuck from the 3-D Doldrums.

1. Decide You Deserve Success.
What is holding you back? It may be your “worse case scenario” thinking. Sometimes to protect yourself from disappointment, do you think negative comments to yourself: “I probably will not get the job, anyway,” “Everyone else is set except for me,” “I should be driving a new BMW,” or “Why bother, it is just a volunteer job.” Change your self-defeating jargon to “I say yes to every great opportunity.” Fail all the time, but keep trying.

2. Who Am I?
You are not who you were five years ago, nor will you be the same person five years from now. Your life and work choices, just like food preferences, accumulate. Make smart decisions and “Voila” there you are, lean and successful. Make lazy choices and “Voila,” there you are bloated, debt-ridden and depressed. The easy road is usually the wrong one.

3. My Parents.
The push-pull of your parent’s advice and your own desires can often leave you at a standstill. People only nag people they care about and their urgent nagging of you is simply misdirected affection. They may have twenty to fifty years of experience on you, so be sure to sit down and really listen to their advice as well as other respected adults in your future field. Then if you must, you can make your own mistakes - as long as you only make them once.

4. I Want It Now.
Do you want a better life? Live within your current means and avoid debt like a plague. Make the right decisions on the smallest scale possible, like for the next thirty minutes pretend you are a money-saving, happy and fit professional. What is the next choice that will keep it going? Do it. Take a break and relax, then start again. As long as the good decisions outweigh the bad, you will begin to improve and feel empowered. The process of achievement is often more satisfying then reaching the final goal.

5. Any Work Is Good.
Every day you work at your low-level job accumulates good work experience. Whether you are a garbage collector or a stockbroker, all jobs have very similar skills to learn. Punctuality, dependability, responsibility all mean that “you do what you promise to do” and that takes years of practice. If you are selling shoes or selling real estate developments for millions you need to know your product, treat the customer great, and know when to move on to the next real buyer. Analysis, psychology and statistics are more than just boring classes - they are tools of the trade that can make you money.

6. Continue School.
What idiot designed the current school system that demands energy-exploding people to sit silently in rows for eight hours? The best of the best have spent time in the principal’s office. If the educational system is unbearable for your nature, check out the online options and finish your degree, get an advanced degree or commit to lifelong learning in the comfort of your room. The best schools in the country offer online degrees.

7. My Relationship Is So Important.
Nothing trashes a good relationship like poverty and arguing over money. Make a majority of your decision-making benefit your career rather than put all your eggs in the relationship basket. Odds are fifty-fifty right now that a marriage will succeed. Finishing school, getting solid business experience of any kind and developing your work skills will result in much higher odds of success. If you have designed your life around an unpredictable young person or worse, made decisions strictly to keep a rocky relationship going, when the relationship fails, you could end up with nothing.

8. Show Up.
Be the one who shows up, often not always, for the company charity, the necessary overtime or the party for the pregnant assistant. Dress up and act like a professional. The social business occasions are where upper management gets a chance to notice you without the corporate world typecasting. The good ole boys and great ole girls have the power to promote you and thus skip years of climbing the corporate ladder.

9. I Never Noticed You Before.
The person that you attract may change drastically when you are no longer watching television all day, smoking pot, actually bathe and take out the trash regularly. As you leave college day habits and distractions behind, you may find that even you are attracted to people with character, kindness, humor and intelligence over well-developed muscles and an “attitude.” That is why concentrating on your career might be more important than finding a relationship when you are 3-D.

10. Satisfaction and Gratitude.
You may not be able to control anything else about your current job, except how you approach the work. Do what ever you do carefully, artistically and with the best of your ability. Decide that you want your life to be happy today instead of bitterly waiting for distant tomorrows. People will notice your approach to work and react accordingly. Positive behavior and thoughts draw more positive energy and experience, and is the smart game to play. The act of gratitude can change the worst jobs into play. Eventually, the new you will have all that you long for, however it may bear no resemblance to what you want today. Permit yourself to feel hopeful and confident, instead of driven and frustrated, while you change and grow inside.


Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love.” She is a leading forensic expert and authority on relationship issues and a licensed mental health counselor. A member of the American Psychological Association, Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA, GO-CODE feature film My Suicide, WGUF-FM, the documentary "Ready to Explode," and interviews for Psychology Today, Newsday, O Magazine, AIA, Manage Smarter, MSN.com, Gannett Newswire, Match.com, Women’s Health, Women’s World, Hitched, Semana, Bride and Groom, Arizona Foothills, and The Nest. For more information, please visit: http://www.askdrmolly.com and http://www.drmollybarrow@blogspot.com,

Twelve Tips To Help Burned-out Toddlers Repair Mental Muscles Dr. Molly Barrow author of Matchlines- Relationship Self-help

Twelve Tips to Help Burned-out Toddlers Repair Mental Muscles
by

Dr. Molly Barrow

Self-discipline is a well-developed skill in most adults and important to the survival of our society. Those who grow up with little self-discipline may be ostracized by others or fall victim to vices like drugs and alcohol. Self-discipline is a mandatory ingredient of successful professions like business, athletics and medicine. Even the business of art, music and drama requires great self-discipline from those who may have tendencies toward unbridled freedom. Yet, no one has more need for self-control for his own protection than a young child does. However, toddlers are raw energy with few brakes and fewer breaks. The maturation process is slow and difficult. Here are twelve tips to help you be a better parent while your child learns self- control.

1. Think of self-discipline as a mental muscle.
A successful and in-control person has a well-developed mental muscle. If cared for properly the muscle will deliver a lifetime of performance. The expert body builder takes care of precious muscles that tire with rest, elevation, protection from more injury, affection for his health and body, information about what is happening to him and rubdowns until a full recuperation renders the muscle useful again.

2. Reduce your demands.
Would you agree that even the strongest muscle might grow weak and tired from overuse? Extraordinary effort can exhaust the mightiest strongman. A wise person would not insist an exhausted muscle must carry on regardless of the pain suffered. Injury and demanding spasms might occur if one ignores the increasing pain from the weary muscle. Tantrums are a result of inadequate coping skills and too much demand.

3. No one is perfect.
Even an adult who is a productive self-disciplined person has moments of weakness and may succumb to bad behavior like eating an entire pie, fighting or foolishly spending their rent money. The more stressed, depressed or tired a person becomes, the more likely they will have a failure of their mental muscle of self-discipline.

4. Remember how far he has progressed already.
An infant has no self-discipline in the beginning, it cries and wets at will. Slowly over the next few years, the child’s experiences and maturity help self-discipline muscles to grow stronger. A child may not fully develop emotionally until his early twenties. You have a long way to go.

5. He learned it from you.
The behavior that you applaud as well as the behavior you wish to avoid stems mostly from watching his parents. If you give him love bites in play, he will bite others, perhaps not so lovingly. If you swear, expect that word to become his favorite. If you yell at him, he will yell at you.

6. Everyone wants to do his best.
A two-year-old usually attempts to behave the best he or she can until exhausted and a meltdown occurs. The tired self-control muscles are aching and just not responding to the “Sit still,” “Wait to use the bathroom” and “Whisper!” commands imposed by adults on young children. Did he behave better yesterday? Great. Today he needs more help not hurt feelings. Assume he is doing his best and stop criticizing him. Praise him for even trying.

7. Did you forget to provide him enough…?
The child is communicating with you constantly without words. A cold, missed nap, hunger pangs, embarrassment and parental scolding tax the self-control muscle beyond its ability to respond correctly. Take time to bring along age-appropriate organic food filled with nutrients, fish oils and trace minerals, water, diapers, a sweater, and toys to help him be comfortable instead of miserable and mute, unable to ask for what he needs. You must listen with ears and your eyes to what is happening inside him. A calm and happy child means a lot less work and stress for you.

8. What is the big deal?
Few adult occasions are so important that a parent must ignore a child’s need to stop and rest emotionally. Anyone who has been a parent will excuse you if you need to take a cranky kid outside for a few minutes and everyone else will figure it out someday. Put your child before other people. That is your job.

9. Become more sensitive.
Most good parents can sense instinctively their child’s emotional levels resulting from stressful events, both positive ones like parties, and negative ones like a scary dog. Some inexperienced or less sensitive parents may miss the important cues that a mental muscle is tiring. When your toddler is approaching his or her limit, you must pay attention. If you notice stress in your child and act quickly, you can often prevent a total meltdown.

10. Grandma is right.
Older and wiser parents and grandparents appear to rescue and spoil toddlers but they are wisely allowing the child a moment of respite and regression to less stringent behavior demands. Knowing how to help your toddler to succeed is a win for everyone- especially the innocent people sitting at the next table. Most spoiled children grow up to be loving parents. Over-disciplined children grow up to be neurotic and frightened adults.

11. Learning has its ups and downs.
Just because a child is potty-trained at home on quiet afternoons does not mean he/she can make it through the excitement of a church picnic without an accident. The child is not wrong, the parental expectations and demands are wrong. If your toddler misbehaves, acts inappropriately or regresses, then try to imagine that his or her underdeveloped mental muscles have worked to failure. Lower your expectations…even lower.

12. R.E.P.A.I.R.
Learn how to R.E.P.A.I.R. the self-discipline mental muscle of your child. Gently take him somewhere quiet to Rest, Elevate him into your arms, Protect him from more stimulation, smile and give him Affection, speak to him slowly in a pleasant voice with Information that helps him to know you still love him and that he is fine, then a little Rubdown while you hug. Just let the busy world go on without both of you for a little while. Slowly sway with his head on your shoulder, as your child’s body processes millions of bits of new information that allows his fried nerve endings to relax and recuperate. Only then, can you reasonably demand more from someone who gives to the best of his or her ability and with all that a little heart muscle can.

Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love.” She is a leading forensic expert and authority on relationship issues and a licensed mental health counselor. A member of the American Psychological Association, Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA, GO-CODE feature film My Suicide, WGUF-FM, the documentary "Ready to Explode," and interviews for Psychology Today, Newsday, O Magazine, AIA, Manage Smarter, MSN.com, Gannett Newswire, Women’s Health, Women’s World, Hitched, Bride and Groom, Arizona Foothills, and The Nest. For more information, please visit: www.askdrmolly.com.

Old Friends New Fun Dr. Molly Barrow author of Matchlines - Relationship Self Help

Millissa approached me at my latest talk/book signing at the Carrolwood Barnes and Noble in Tampa. The last time I saw Missy was on the top of the Swiss Alps the afternoon of my Leysin American School high school graduation. In a handful of moments we were best friends again. We recapitulated several, O.K. many, decades of relationships, health calamities and unfulfilled dreams. Why didn't I make the small effort to stay in touch, I wondered? So many times over the years I longed for a close girlfriend of grace and strength. Yet, with friends comes the obligation of being there for them in their times of trouble and celebration. With some friends that is too much time and energy taken away from needy family members. But Missy always gave more than she asked for in return. I will make an effort to see her again. Perhaps you have a lost friend from long ago. Take a chance and reconnect. If you decide not to continue the relationship you can disengage later. Just maybe, a great relationship with an old friend may be around the corner. You have to take the first step to find them. Google their name. Connect with your high school and college alumni association. Plan a reunion. When you locate a classmate ask if they are still in contact with others. Soon you will have a network of people who knew you when and are happy to remind you of times that you have forgotten. Missy asked me if I remembered all the senior girls telling each other what our best features were. "Your lips," she recalled. Well, it's worked for Angelina!

Orlando Sentinel Quotes Dr Molly Barrow author of Matchlines- Relationship Self Help About Finding Love

From the Orlando Sentinel
Looking for love in all the wrong faces. With the trash exposed, finding a love to treasure might be easier. Sarah Langbein, Sentinel Staff Writer November 13, 2006 At first, singles sought out The One.They searched dark corners of dive bars, the pews at church and frozen-food aisles for soulmates. They consulted the likes of Dear Abby and Dr. Joyce on how to find their match. They even resorted to meetings with psychics to determine if this would be the year of The One.But now, knowing what to look for in the love of your life isn't enough. Singles want to know: Who is not The One?The phenomenon is turning up in bookstores and on magazine racks, Internet sites and television. Singles, although mostly women, are looking to weed out the wannabes. To put it simply, they want to know sooner rather than later if the relationship is going awry."I think it goes to the we-want-it-now way of thinking," says Colorado-based relationship expert Janice Hoffman, who's awaiting the publication of her book, Relationship Rules, 12 Strategies for Creating a Love That Lasts. Look in the self-help aisles at national bookstore chains and you'll find dozens of titles that come at dating and relationships from a negative angle.When Your Lover Is a Liar.When the Man in Your Life Can't Commit.All Men are Jerks: Until Proven Otherwise.Never Kiss a Frog: A Girl's Guide to Creatures from the Dating Swamp.And there's that now-famous best-seller He's Just Not that Into You, a line taken from a Sex and the City episode.Sarah Lehn-Doherty, 29, of Winter Park, calls it her "bible," and says it helped her find the love of her life, whom she married last month. She had consulted self-help books before, but this one forced her to look for trends in past, failed relationships and also to look inward."So many women stay in a bad relationship just to be in a relationship," Lehn-Doherty says. "Most women fear being alone."Lehn-Doherty says she eventually would like to write a dating book focused on her own life lessons."It's really knowing about what you want and going after it," she says.Stories with a moralMost of the relationship books carried by Borders still focus on finding The One, says spokeswoman Ann Binkley. However, in the past couple of years, publishers have presented a Borders buyer with one or two "breakup books" each season, she says.Soon another such title will join the ranks -- When Did You Know . . . He Was Not the One? Set for release in February, it tells the tales of regular women, ages 18 to 81, and when they realized they weren't with The One.Sisters Wendy Bolton Floyd and Judy Bolton, of New York, conducted more than 1,500 hours of interviews to chronicle "the collective aha moment," when each woman realized she was with the wrong partner. Seeing that the market was "saturated" with books focused on finding The One or female-focused relationship books written by men, the sisters decided to give women another perspective with the help of other women's voices."I think women need to take stock in themselves, and listen to other women," says Wendy Bolton Floyd. "We want them to know they are complete people without a man. And you can be an incomplete person with a man."The idea, she says, is for women to learn the "red flags" in relationships through someone else's experience.The stories range from laugh-out-loud funny to heartbreaking. For instance, a Florida woman told them her moment came at her father's funeral. She said her boyfriend walked out of the service, and when she asked why, he said it was because she wasn't paying attention to him.

Dr. Molly Barrow, a psychotherapist, author and relationship expert from Naples, equates the trend to the growing number of women who've gained financial independence."Women are now capable of making it on their own," Barrow says. "They're able to say no to a lukewarm deal."Also, Barrow says, relationships increasingly come with more risks, and singles must weed out the bad ones for personal-safety and financial reasons, among others."You can waste so much time [in a bad relationship]," Barrow says. "You can fall in love with someone even when part of you is telling you this is wrong."...

Sarah Langbein can be reached at slangbein@orlandosentinel.com or 407-420-5352.

Baltimore Sun Quotes Dr. Molly Barrow Author of Matchline Relationship Self Help About Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

arts/life
Star-crossed, experts say
By Tanika White
Sun Reporter
Originally published November 20, 2006
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married Saturday in Italy, with baby Suri in tow, and already relationship and celebrity observers say the union is doomed.The ceremony in a 15th-century castle in Bracciano was a celebrity who's who affair with more than 150 relatives and friends, according to an Associated Press report.

Sadly, there are too many things stacked against them, these experts agree. For your Monday-morning-quarterbacking convenience, we've narrowed the issues to 10
1. Tom is much older than Katie.Toni Coleman, a dating/relationship coach and founder of www.consum-mate.com, sees conflict in the couple's 16-year age difference (he's 44, she turns 28 on Dec. 18)."My gut has always said that she was a young, adoring fan who was smitten with him as a child," Coleman says. "He has been in the role of a kind of father/mentor to her since they began dating, and her identity and autonomy seem to have melded quite a bit into his. As she grows, evolves, matures, there is a strong risk she will begin to outgrow this relationship - and him."
2. Tom is on his third wife."He's walked down the aisle several times, and this is her first," says Diane Forden, editor in chief of Bridal Guide magazine. "It may not be her last."People who are married more than once have increased rates of divorce, experts say."The fact that he's on wedding No. 3 proves that long-term relationships are Mission: Impossible for him," says Suzy Byrne, producer for iVillage.com's entertainment channel, on the Web site's blog The Daily Blabber.
3. Katie and Tom lived together, and had a baby before they got married."Research shows us that people who are living together first and then have a child, then choose to get married, have higher rates of divorce than couples that wait until they get married to have children," says Scott Haltzman, clinical assistant professor at Brown University, and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. "And wait until they're married to live together, for that matter."

4. Their careers compete. He's a megastar with a lot to prove since being dumped by his last movie studio, Paramount Pictures, for "erratic behavior," then taking on the responsibility of running United Artists, with partner Paula Wagner. And Holmes is just beginning."Somebody's going to have to choose to give more to the relationship and the marriage and less to their career or it could be in danger," says Molly Barrow, author of Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love....

COHABITATING COUPLES DR MOLLY BARROW MATCHLINES RELATIONSHIP SELF HELP

Marriage is a legally binding contract that overnight can make you wealthy or fifty percent less financially secure. Two signatures commit the parties for life and eliminate all other partners. Regardless of changes in circumstances like illness, disability, incompatibility or simply growing apart in every way imaginable you stay until you die. The hot choice made at age 20 or 24 must also work for you when you are forty or seventy years old. Once a girlfriend becomes a wife, her list of duties make Cinderella's pale in comparison. Is it any wonder that people are choosing to live together rather than marry?
People live together as lovers, friends and roommates who share expenses and sexual privileges. Young people may live together for security and the elderly live together to protect their social security. Often living together is more attractive than gambling with a nearly fifty per cent failure rate of marriage and vicious divorce laws.
The most important decision that you will ever make is the selection of a life partner and the parent of your children. Shopping carefully is not only brilliant it is mandatory. Remnents of traditional roles still linger and expand job duties of working women to Cinderella-like levels that she simply cannot fulfill. Does your husband expects a home cooked dinner, the children bathed and happily trotting off to bed with their homework finished while he in his Archie Bunker chair catches the news? Who can resist this lifelong contract? After working an eight-hour day for a paycheck, the wife will become frigid with resentment that may destroy the marriage. Unfortunately, this leaves the woman to do all the work alone anyway.
The older you are the more quickly you can identify crippling incompatibility. The younger person may require several years to peal back layers of compensation to reveal true character and potential for marriage. At first passion may dictate spending every waking and sleeping moment together. But passion fades after a few months and then someone has to move. During the shopping period must be a primary focus to eliminate an artificial push into unsustainable marriage and lifetime bond and. The forty percent of women with children living with a partner other than the father put their children at great risk for violence. Our society could help these parents and children in many ways such as health insurance, daycare, education and housing. Often, a person stays in a verbally or physically abusive relationship out of financial need or feels powerless to leave without intervention.

DO YOU LOVE MORE THAN YOUR PARTNER CAN? Dr. Molly Barrow Matchlines

Newspaper Interview asks, " Why we tend to like those who like us less?"

Do not judge too quickly. Perhaps they like us as much or more than we like them, but their capability to love is less. Between the obvious extremes of an absolute, unconditional, self-sacrificing capacity to love and an utter selfish lack of any capacity to love rests the fundamental concept of Lovelines. The difference between the two capacities or “lines” of partners is important, not as competition with each other but essential to knowing how you can make each other more comfortable in the relationship. When Longerlines use the word “love,” their definition of that word includes their entire experience of love since their earliest childhood. Unfortunately, Shorterlines use the exact same word, “love,” but their experience of love may bear no resemblance whatsoever to the Longerlines’ definition of love.
Shorterlines may have experienced limited nurturing and affection in life, and/or possess a history of pain and neglect mixed into their very earliest memories. When Shorterlines “love” you, they are giving you the best love they know how to give. They are giving all that they are currently capable of giving regardless of whether you find those efforts satisfactory or unsatisfactory, fulfilling or disappointing. For the Shorterline, possible past trauma or neglect has formed an internal “ceiling,” which inhibits them. Shorterlines simply cannothave great difficulty seeing above their personal ceiling to the heights of the Longerlines’ ceilings—and that is the crux of many problems in such a relationship. Shorterlines are giving as much love as they have to give, all they perceive love to be. They do not think about the qualities of love beyond the confines of their own ceiling, which inhibits their ability to Love. Their love “handicap,” which is inhibiting them, is that they cannot act beyond the length or capacity of their Loveline. Each of us is limited by our own Loveline ceiling.
The important point to focus on is determining the extent of the Matchline Gap between you and an existing or potential partner. If the Loveline Gap is small, love will be easier for you both. If the Gap is great, finding a harmonious love will be harder. Unfortunately, Matchline Gaps are common, but the good news is that the better you understand them, and their dynamics, the easier the work to balance a relationship will be for you and your partner.

Managerial Strengths Dr. Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationships Self help

A great managerial strength is to recognize one's limitations and focus critical initial work on assembling “the team.” The team is a work family of exceptional expertise in broad categories who can work independently and at the highest level. A management style that listens to employees as partners from the bottom up rather than the top down is more efficient than the reverse. Maintain the concept that there is always a better way. As a start-up venture the responsibility for personnel, both paid staff and volunteers often requires employee perquisites and flexibility of management in lieu of top pay. There is wisdom in always listening to unique employee needs that assist them to work at their best and within reason have management meet those requests. A leader must be bold in his or her decision-making and calculated in risk taking to meet mercurial challenges, yet remain tempered with advice from all available sources. The ability to change direction, adapt and transform into a more efficient machine is a strength not a weakness.

Poll Watching Molly Barrow Relationships Self Help

Member of Planet Earth

Whether you realize it or not, you also have quite a large relationship with the Planet, the world in which we all live and love. How you act in this unique relationship has a small perhaps, but still important impact on the lives of our children and grandchildren for generations. Do you fulfill certain societal obligations to clean up your own messes in your yard or factory, to share with others, and to notice when a part of your world around you is hurting and become a Skyline coming in do what you can to help? Or, on the other hand, are do you act like a Bottomline in your relationship to Earth and her inhabitants?
What is your relationship with your country? Do you see only its good qualities and look the other way when it misbehaves, ignoring its faults, creating an undisciplined, spoiled child of a nation? Or do you insist that constitutional laws are followed.
What is your relationship with your own neighborhood? Do you hope that when you are old and perhaps alone that some kind neighbor stops by for a chat? If so, then have you ever done that for the elderly, or for the handicapped, or that kid that got in trouble down the street?
Did you list any of the following items as your personal goals or values?

· Your Health
· Your Family's Health
· Your Children as a Priority
· Peace of Mind
· Safety
· Clean World, Food, and Water
· Honesty and Integrity
· Sacrificing now for the a peaceful, secure future, or living only for today, or worrying about what the neighbors will say

Think of each of these virtues in the big picture, from a global perspective right down to your own neighborhood. How do you choose to apply a global perspective to your everyday actions? Has our world ever been so interconnected or dependant on each other's behavior? What relationship do you want our world leaders to have with each other-a healthy assertive and balanced relationship or an abusive aggressive hate-creating one?
On November 7th I will be a poll watcher for seven hours. My job is to make sure there are no disenfranchised voters or election laws ignored. I will be there helping to protect the rights of all voters. Will you be there to vote?

Child Whisperer and Camp Dr. Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationship Self Help

A child who has been a victim of abuse at home or bullying at school is compromised in their ability to defend themselves and is vulnerable to assuming the victim role in the microcosm of camp. Ask the camp about policies regarding bullying, name calling, and ganging up on other campers. Do they insist everyone gets to play or do they contribute to life long low self-esteem by favoring the best players as school and league organizations do? The best way to protect your child is to arm them with information and education about sexual predators and what is abusive behavior. Hazing, rough housing and just kidding are the masks sadistic people wear. Should the victim protest, then they incur ridicule for not being able to take it. Check out your own definition of a man, and ask yourself if you allow others to abuse your son just to toughen him up and keep him from being a “sissy.” Girls use verbal abuse more often than physical abuse but the blow feels the same. Make sure your child knows that you will believe them and support them if he or she reports abuse of any kind to you. That is an important part of your job as a parent and it takes the skills of a Child Whisperer. Kids are so conflicted about sex and usually assume they are guilty and at fault regarding any sexual behavior. They may not tell you someone is being sexual; they just insist they do not like that person. Listen carefully for the tiny clues a child offers you and believe them.