Dr. Molly Barrow

The Official Dr. Molly Barrow Blog offers educational self help advice about relationships, business, dating, marriage, parenting, teenagers and children, self-esteem, love and romance. Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D in psychology and is the author of Matchlines for Singles and the self-esteem adventure series, Malia and Teacup Awesome African Adventure and Malia and Teacup Out on a Limb. Dr. Molly is a relationship and psychology expert host on progressiveradionnetwork.com and television guest.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

The End and Means Must Be Moral Dr. Molly Barrow author of Matchlines Relationship Self Help

Your ability to be assertive can alter the quality of your life.
Partners, occupations, friends, home environments, happiness and misery are all dependent upon your ability to stand up for yourself. The result of choosing to do so is higher self-esteem and self-awareness that will maximize your Loveline.
The power of finding your voice in the world is essential to overcoming the fears and failures that may plague your life. Before you can depend on yourself, you must find your voice. Years of intimidation have successfully silenced all of us except for a few outspoken big-mouths. Since their vote in a relationship will typically be completely to their benefit, you may wake up one morning with a life that does not resemble any of your dreams.
To get back on the “road not yet traveled” by you, first set your goals bounded by your values, figure out the direction from your starting point to your goal, no matter how far, then ask repeatedly what is your the first step is, then the next step in that direction. Put a time limit on it or it will just hover in space. Do not view your journey as standing on one side of a great chasm, seeing the rim of other side as a futile impossibility to reach. Your task is merely to get from Point A to Point B; and if that means building bridges, catapults, or even airplanes to get to Point B, then that’s where you set your sights—and map out your objectives.
Say “Yes,” to whatever takes you in the direction of your goals bounded by strong values. Be careful not to do anything bad in the name of getting somewhere good. The means must be as right for you as the ultimate end.
How many times have things looked pretty bad, but then out of nowhere a result happens that is better then you could have imagined? It might be luck or God, or your wonderful deceased mother intervening from another realm, who knows? We have no clue how any goal or project may end, so you cannot let the end justify anything you do wrong. In retrospect, the journey is often richer and more meaningful than achieving the goal. Make the decision to rRemain as conscientious in your journey as you are in selecting your goals. The medical dictum “first do no harm” could apply to everyone, not just doctors.
Knowing the right direction and choosing to take the first step toward it are miles apart for some people. Sometimes our own fear and past failures incapacitate us, or we are simply intimidated by the scary unknown. The first step is the hardest—so make it small and easy.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

One America One World Dr. Molly Barrow Asks For Political Healing author of Matchlines Relationship Self Help

The stakes are too high and it is time to find common ground from a global view. What makes all people the same far outweighs the differences. What if we began to communicate, and thus problem solve, rather than force others to share our every thought? What would happen if we reach out to people with differing opinions and listen calmly? Maybe our goals are the same and you will find that the means to achieve the goals are unique, not wrong. I hear our presidents, past and present, speak of killing and torturing our enemies. I always believed that Americans brought people to trial with a judge and jury. Yet, just whom is in control of America and has the real power? American citizens. You. Me. That means we are also responsible for what America does to our children, to our neighbors and to the planet. What is your personal explanation or excuse going to be to your higher power for your part in the current situation? I do not think that is going to be a good moment as we try to justify innocent murder, torture and starvation. We could begin by acknowledging that other people are probably doing their best right now. Then, let's move forward and all do better.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

INTERVIEW OF DR MOLLY BARROW Author of Matchlines Relationship Self Help

Analyze and explain the relationship dynamics at work in each scenario, and offer specific, tangible advice that couples can use to help the resolve the issue.

SCENARIOS: What are the dynamics at work? What advice would you give?

1. "I love my boyfriend/girlfriend so much. I just want to hug, kiss, andtouch him/her all the time. But lately s/he keeps pulling away, saying s/hefeels crowded and needs more space. What's wrong? What should I do?"

Each couple has one person with more need for closeness and intimacy than the other. I call that person the Longerline and their partner by default is then the Shorterline. When Longerlines use the word “love,” their definition of that word includes their entire experience of love since their earliest childhood. Unfortunately, Shorterlines use the exact same word, “love,” but their experience of love may bear no resemblance whatsoever to the Longerlines’ definition of love.
This is where your understanding of the dynamics of an unmatched Love-Line Relationship begins, in the situation where you have a Longerline paired with a Shorterline.
Shorterlines may have experienced limited nurturing and affection in life, and/or possess a history of pain and neglect mixed into their very earliest memories. When Shorterlines “love” you, they are giving you the best love they know how to give. They are giving all that they are currently capable of giving regardless of whether you find those efforts satisfactory or unsatisfactory, fulfilling or disappointing. This is the fundamental disconnect in understanding the concept of finding “balance” between two relatively normal, yet distinctly different Love-Lines in a relationship.
Quite often, Shorterlines know very little about the kind of love that is sky high and limitless, unconditional and genuinely passionate—the kind of love that Longerlines are more capable of giving and receiving and tend to expect. For the Shorterline, possible past trauma or neglect has can formed an internal “ceiling,” which inhibits them and obscures the sky. Shorterlines have great difficulty seeing above their personal ceiling to the heights of the Longerlines’ ceilings—and that is the crux of many problems in such a relationship.
Shorterlines are giving as much love as they have to give, as they perceive love to be. They do not think about the qualities of love beyond the confines of their own ceiling, which inhibits their ability to Love. Their love “handicap,” which is inhibiting them, is that they cannot act beyond the length or capacity of their Love-Line. Each of us is limited by our own Love-Line ceiling. Recognize that the ceiling has nothing to do with you and is the first step to take to understand your partner.

2. "I love my partner but s/he's constantly pawing at me. Every time I walkby s/he reaches out to grab me or kiss me or touch me in some way. How do I tell him/her that I just need more space without hurting his/her feelings?"

The insecure partner may “need” to touch you because of their own fears and instability, like a crutch. Or the partner may love touching you so much they obsess about it. Either way it is more about taking then giving.
If you severely correct the desperate, starved for love, Longerline, who may have been rejected and dumped repeatedly in the past, the person is hurt. If the Longerline’s self-esteem is at a low point, forcing him or her to question their own value and sexual attractiveness, they may often isolate, eat more and become depressed. This gives the partner a little space but is the start of an abusive cycle. Meanwhile the less needy partner may continue to create distance from the relationship. While being prodded for more and more, and repeatedly reminded that they do not have enough to offer, Shorterlines are very likely to seek out new, re-energizing relationships filled with refreshing feedback. Feedback such as “I don’t know why your awful partner doesn’t appreciate you! You are the best thing that ever happened to me,” as stated with great sincerity and affection by “Tinylines.” Tinylines are much Shorter, cute, sweet acting and dangerous relationship-carnivores. (Lines that are really short and selfish but not technically Bottomlines).
A Longerline can unwittingly push a Shorterline into the eager arms of a new lover—someone who has much lower expectations of them and makes them feel like a winner instead of a chronic failure. You already know the ending: The Shorterline dumps the loving Longerline and buys the Tinyline a red sports car.

3. "When my spouse and I were still dating, I spent time alone or out withfriends at least once a week. Now that we're married and living together, myspouse assumes s/he should go everywhere with me. How do I explain that Ineed some time to myself as a person, and not just part of a couple?"

When a couple has conflicting life goals time management becomes a big problem.
Try this exercise: Draw a circle on a page of paper with 24 equal “slices” and put your life goals in pie sections. Eight hours of sleep is a big piece of pie, yet without adequate sleep, you are not operating at full capacity. Maintenance of things that you already have, like going to the dry cleaners, car repair, dusting, and laundry, doesn’t do much to help you progress. Did you include maintenance of you; hair appointments, manicures, doctors, exercise, preparation of meals and eating? Did you consider maintenance of others, children, pets or friends? Do these activities take up too much of your 24-hour pie? How many hours do you spend earning money, or contributing to the wage earner’s ability to make that money?
You may find that available goal-achieving pie pieces are slim to none. If so, then choose to make changes on your pie chart that you can live with and then make them in your life. Have your partner draw his or her time allotment pie and see if the two pies have any resemblance to each other.
With this graphic depiction of your life in hand it will be easier to ask, “What do I want to do today?” and compare the answer with what you actually did do all day. Clearly, if it what you are doing is not in harmony with your life goals, then what are you wasting all your time doing? People have given up everything except their goal to scale a mountainside or cure a disease. You can you give up something to make room for your dreams? Can you allow your partner time for their dreams? Even if it is alone time or time with friends?
Remember that working on you will strengthen and bring stability to current relationships. Be aware that your friends and family may fear you changing because they might lose you as they now know you. They are deeply invested in your remaining the same, because many memories and relationships are based upon who you have been to them. Now, you have the audacity to want to change! Your family may say the right words to your face; however, you just may very well have more resistance from them than your worst enemy. You know the subtle pressure, almost a mental lean on you by your “homies,” designed to push you back in place. That is okay. Just understand that they try to hold you back because they do not want to lose you. The more they adore you, the more they fear something bad might happen to you. Loved ones design these often-subconscious reactions in order to thwart changes.

4. "When my spouse and I committed to spending our lives together I thought that meant we'd spend all our free time together. Why does my spouse want todo things without me? I feel so rejected."

Are you sure that you aren’t guarding your beloved and your need to be with them is more territorial than unselfish love? Such road blockage is actually a misguided attempt to keep a relationship stable rather than a mean-spirited sabotage. You need to get a life filled with activities and friends so that the time you and your beloved share is rich with interesting stories and experiences, not boring and dependant. You and your spouse must pursue your dreams even if they take you to different ends of the earth or you numb down into a robot. Dreams keep you vital. Life is too short to be a cool observer or a bystander to the richness of the world. Just because you are on a path together does not mean that you see identical views.

QUESTIONS:1. How should a couple talk about differing space needs? What languageshould they use? What specific advice would you give for how to have aconstructive, solution-focused conversation?

The first problem to overcome is that communication studies reveal that men define “talk” differently than women. Studies have shown groups of confined men talk to each other about ten minutes of each hour and women fill fifty minutes of the hour with twice the subjects. So before you begin, keep in mind that you may need to adjust for what may be an abnormal demand to “talk it out” endlessly for one or conversely, “let’s get this over quickly” may feel abrupt to the other. Next, remember that many break-ups begin with the words, “I just need some space,” so bear in mind that your partner may suffer doubt and insecurity when you say these words and become even more desperate and needy. There are growing pains in all relationships and sometimes the union must have a shake–up in order to continue to grow. My book, Matchlines can prepare the more needy partner for the concept that they lose nothing by demonstrating their love to a Shorterline partner less and may instead gain a great deal of mutual respect and comfort.
If you need more space, I call you the Shorterline in your relationship, then you will benefit greatly by sitting down and patiently sharing this information with your Longerline partner. Even if you are the instigator of recognition of “needing space,” your Longerline partner must ultimately lead in this dance. Just as you might teach your partner in ballroom dancing to lead you around the floor, you must teach your oppressive Longerline partner that to “back off” is the most effective way to love you. Only then, can you stop rebelling from them and start loving them in return.
Revealing yourself, stripped of any protective defenses, is perhaps the hardest thing you will ever do in life. Nevertheless, you deserve to be honest with yourself and your partner about your limitations of giving intimacy at your partner’s level of demand or need. If you can muster the courage to do this, you will be pleasantly surprised to discover there is so much relief when you stop faking and just get emotionally naked. If you are happen to be the one who needs more space or Shorterline in your relationship, you may not be interested in maximum intimacy, nevertheless you may have a million other great qualities that make you a fine Match and worth keeping. Just remember that although you may feel more comfortable, your partner may be going hungry for interaction and that hurts. Help them feel loved in ways that do not feel uncomfortable or demanding to you. Ask your partner for a list of activities or words that they define as loving. Believe me it will surprise you. Perhaps, you thought taking her fishing was demonstrating loving behavior but she dreamed of going dancing instead. Your effort although a good one, did not have the right result for your partner. Get your list and stay on tract to love the unique way your partner needs to be loved and vise versa.

2. Old habits die hard. When one member of a couple is just naturally moreaffectionate, it can be hard for him or her to back off. Likewise, it's hard for the less affectionate partner to give more affection. What advice do you have for making lasting change in these patterns of interaction?

Obviously, this is not easy, if not completely impossible, for big, slobbering, love-gluttons. Nevertheless, the more attentive partner must withdraw until the over satiated one begins to notice. You want them calling for you, bringing you flowers and searching the room for your eyes. You know what it feels like to have someone pursue you—to want you. You also know what it feels like when your partner is not looking at you, avoiding you, and instead, checking out every other hot body in the room.
You must never make excuses for your partner’s avoidance of you: “He’s working too hard,” “She’s tired,” or “I am too fat.” Examples of invalid excuses we make up to rationalize a Shorterline partner on the run are endless. Recognize that if you are in a relationship with a less needy partner you need to back off. You are simply going to have to fulfill your smothering love needs somewhere else. Buy a dog, plant a garden, volunteer at a retirement home, or spend time with other Longerline friends—the ones you have been ignoring while you smothered your partner.

3. How can couples tell the difference between a healthy and an unhealthyneed for more space?

A healthy relationship will have conflict disagreements and stress but overall you feel good when you interact with your spouse. A toxic relationship leaves you with a sick feeling in your gut
A person, who sadistically keeps you on a tight lease but rejects you harshly has emotional problems that you can not solve. These people struggle to control you terribly and may not love you in a healthy way; however, they do need you to lean on in order for them to feel good. When they continue to feel empty inside, they resent you, and may punish you for not being able to fix their pain. They are not capable of healing by themselves from their past traumas alone. They need therapy. Trauma creates a Faultline in someone—which is a complete split or crack that effectively shortens the length of a Love-Line. Wherever that fault or crack appears on the Love-Line that is the true length of their Love-Line no matter how well they try to mask it or pretend otherwise. The result is a faulted way of thinking—a severe glitch, a break in the Love-Line—a skip in the way they reason through problems and conflicts.
Unfortunately, if you changed in every way that they ask, they still would not like you or be satisfied with you.

4. What can partners do on their own, outside the context of therelationship, to find more balance around space issues?

Focus on your own self-improvement. You will benefit from personal growth and be ready for a higher quality relationship with your current love if this relationship improves, or if necessary, you will be in good shape to move on.
If you must weed out toxically abusive people from your life, then you will need to be prepared and strong.

5. How important is it to understand how childhood family patterns affectour needs for closeness and alone time as adults? Does acknowledging these patterns do anything to solve the conflict?

Much like many other aspects of your personality, intellect and character, your Love-Line is well established and functioning by the time that that you reach your adolescent years. In many respects, your Love-Line is the result of a long string of key variables—from the way that your parents raised you, to how, as an adult, you view yourself and the world around you. Just as every individual on the planet is different from the next, so is each person’s Love-Line. Nevertheless, people clearly reveal fundamental patterns in their behavior and past relationships that you can easily measure.
As children, we begin perfectly in the emotional arena, innocent and eager, although we completely lack learned socialization skills. Our experiences and our environment mold us. The experiences of our parents and their environment also subtly quietly influence us. Parents pass down their fears and prejudices to us just as their genes are, however, unlike eye color, most opinions can change. All behavior we express is subsequently either reinforced positively (praise, a smile, a dollar) or negatively (criticism, punishment, or abuse), or else it fades away.
In the lab, pigeons repeat their behavior when they receive a food pellet or reward. Learned behavior when accompanied by such rewards is called “conditioning.” In humans, because of childhood nurturing, or the lack of it, learned needs develop along with a learned capability to meet those needs. The learned needs, or lack of them, help to create a person’s Love-Line.
In essence, the bulk of what we individually define as “love” is a truly learned behavior. Your parents, grandparents, other relatives, friends, neighbors, teachers, coaches, clergy, books, television, movies, plays, games, songs and a host of other influences all contribute to your personal definition of love.
What was love to you as a child? Was love being read a story at night as you fell asleep? Was love a big hug and a kiss? Or were your parents less capable of giving affection? Maybe your parent substituted quality time with material things, like a new bicycle, a game, or a box of cookies. Perhaps they left you alone too much, or gave you damaging attention that made you believe love is someone who says you are not competent or you deserve harsh treatment.
Your personal definition of love primarily stems from learning that took place before you were ten years old and subsequently became part of your core belief system. You can rarely change a belief system easily. It is like the concrete foundation of your psyche. The main point here to understand is that your personal definition of love may be a world apart from your partner’s definition. Yes, your partner may say that they love you, but is it your kind of love? And is your kind of love their kind of love?

6. How do neediness, rejection, confidence, and independence play into spaceconflicts in relationships?

Just as naturally, needy Longerlines begin to escalate their efforts to alleviate the pain of their emotional starvation by begging, whining, nagging and complaining. Longerlines seem extremely unappealing to already retreating Shorterlines. Withdrawals are soon obvious. The Longerline, in turn, panics and tries even harder to keep their Shorterline close, while the Shorterline continues to back away.
Frustrated by this constant pressure, Shorterlines begin making up excuses to avoid the oppression. Do any of these common excuses sound familiar?

“I was with you last night.” “I need time with my friends.” “I have to work late.” “I need some space.” “I want to be alone.”

Longerlines feel this rejection and respond by doing what they do best—to offer more love, compassion and understanding in an urgent, clinging way that, in their mind, is supposed to draw a partner closer.
As Longerlines continue to push and shove their version of love into the overstuffed Shorterlines, Shorterlines can be expected to react by strikinge out viciously, just to get some breathing room. In this co-dependent dance, ShortlineShorterlines bend away from LonglineLongerlineLongerlines as Longerlines intrude into the personal space of the Shorterline. Each partner is attempting to manipulate the Love-Line Gap to find his or her level of relationship comfort and balance. This reaction is ineffective and rather than enable the relationship to thrive has the opposite result.

7. You say: "the most important element regarding a partner who needs morespace is to help their partner who is more affectionate and intimate, to seethe distance as a comfort need and not interpret the withdrawal asrejection." How can the partner do that? How can s/he help his/her partneravoid feeling rejected?

Most superficial “change” lasts less than a year or two. Just as you begin to trust again, the bad habits reappear. However, a relationship is very much like a dance—that is, as paradoxically as this might sound, if you change your behavior in the relationship, then the relationship itself will change in some way, even if your partner does not budge emotionally or psychologically. Results are not always predictable. If the status quo is obviously too painful and unacceptable, then you can force a measure of change in the relationship (not the other person) by implementing your own behavior changes.
First, straighten up your own Love-Line! Are you in your partner’s face? Are you driving them away? You can change you right now.
The good news is that Longerlines are predominantly in control of the relationship. A Shorterline can often only react to the Longerline’s behavior. Initially, they are reacting to a force-feeding of too much love. When Longerlines straighten up and stop the emotional pressure, then Shorterlines can breathe again and often a great deal of tension abates. Longerlines can drive love away by smothering Shorterlines, or they can choose to seduce love closer by substituting other love objects and stepping back to relieve the pressure on the Shorterline. Must you ignore your partner? Take your cues from your partner. When you have retreated to to their their reduced comfort level, your partner will begin to pursue you with all the attention you have been aching to have. Remember? Like it was in the beginning of your romance.
This achievement of balance, based on your partner’s capacity to love rather than on your own, is the most important lesson in Matchlines: It is a special form of loving a person.

8. You say: "Rather, they must understand that intimacy forced on someonewho does not desire or need it, transforms en route from affection andintimacy to a force feeding, that is rape-like and not loving at all!" Thisis such an important point. What can a partner do to explain/show thatforced intimacy isn't loving?

If you ignore your Shorterline’s signals to back off, then, effectively, you are being rude to them, not loving. If someone throws their arms around you and it gives you pleasure, then they are demonstrating their love to you. However, if it makes you uncomfortable or you hate the closeness, then that very same act is not giving love. Instead, this is more rape-like, a violation, a taking of their fill, satisfying their desires, at your expense. That is a form of abuse wearing affectionate clothing. So, likewise, do not let your needs dictate the amount of love you give to a Shorterline.
In reading this book, if you are the Longerline in the relationship, have you come to realize that perhaps you have mistakenly been force-feeding love down a Shorterline’s throat? If so, then you also need to know that you may have done real damage to the relationship by now. Any positive move in your partner’s direction will make them act like a rabid raccoon. You have to make them hungry for you. To do that, you must withdraw until they change direction and come to you.

GIFT GIVING Dr. Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationship Self Help

A.When you've just been on a few dates:

1. Should you give a gift at all? Why?

Gift giving has both age and gender differences. The older and more formal the man, the more likely he will feel compelled to present his partner with traditional gifts, like flowers, wine and candy. If a woman reverses this traditional behavior taking on a “male” role, the older man may feel insulted. Younger men are more open to looser definitions of male-female roles, but a female still risks stepping on manly toes. Romantics and people who fall hard quickly may begin heavy courtship behavior on the first date, creating awkward intimate moments too quickly. Same sex partners have all the same dynamics in their relationships. We struggle with what the next move should be in our relationship that will bring comfort and pleasure rather than revulsion or disaster. All this in a little box with a bow?
Gifts come in many packages, most of which are not gift-wrapped. If you have agreed to spend time with someone then that is a gift of trust and precious time. If you have shared a special film, gallery or hangout that is a gift of sharing. Did you wear a new tie, pressed shirt, cologne, or cruel high heels, a new dress, and extra care on hair or makeup to create a more pleasant view for your date? Each effort, thought and dime spent to enhance the date experience is a gift given.
Or do you take all that for granted? Do you need a token that you can tell your friends about or even better, show them? The more insecure that you are about your self worth the more likely you will need a gift in direct proportion to your insecurity. Maybe you should stop dating and work on yourself until you value yourself and others more highly. You then will begin to see each moment shared as gifts that you are giving to each other. The first few dates are not the right time to substitute shopping for sharing.
2. How much should you spend?

Spend all the time and energy that you can afford to give freely, with no strings and no expectations. Keep it uncomplicated and uncommitted until you know if you want to stick around.

B. When you're dating, but not exclusively:

1. What is an appropriate amount to spend?

Dating means one of you, or both are still “shopping” for other people. All relationships must start somewhere and most “catches “are dating someone before and often during your first dates. An expensive gift shouts bribe during this phase. Instead opt for a considerate gesture, a home cooked meal, a favorite CD, or tickets to something fun. I remember getting an electric pencil sharpener and actually really appreciating it.

2. What are two tips for picking a gift that doesn't say more than you want to?

3. Check out your true motive. Are you trying to influence his or her opinion of you, have you been somewhat calculating in your selection, or is it a fun gift from your heart designed simply as a gift of pleasure for a friend with potential.
4. Ask yourself if you could lose this amount of cash from your back pocket and not wince or cry. If not, you are spending too much.

C: When you're dating exclusively:

1. What is an appropriate amount to spend?

By now, hopefully, you have learned to communicate well with each other. Set some parameters such as, “I know money is tight for both of us, let’s decide on a gift giving ceiling, maybe keep our gifts under fifty dollars (or two dollars depending on your situation). Do establish what the word extravagant means to each of you. At this point in a relationships, judgments are made very quickly, and that grand gesture may be received as “I could never marry someone so wasteful,” or “What a stingy creep.” Talk about it first. Surprises can be risky especially if you have started blending your finances. Avoid one-upmanship that requires you to out do each other and have bigger and costlier gifts. You are needlessly competing with each other and with yourself. Set limits and avoid the unnecessary shame of not spending enough or the resentment of having spent way more.
2. What are two tips for picking a gift that doesn't scream "COMMIT!" or"NONCOMMITAL"?

The ring is a universal symbol of commitment, so avoid that unless you mean it. Could you give the gift to your sibling without recourse, then that is probably noncommittal. Is there an implication that you want that person to change, like season tickets to your team, rather than theirs? That is uncomfortable-committal. Stick with gifts that are personal, unique and of fine quality, but in the medium range of your gift giving habits.

D. Misc:

1. Why do we all get so freaked out about giving holiday gifts to the people we're dating?

Because you know you should be giving to the poor, not shopping for new hubcaps for your boyfriend’s Porche. Maybe this year you could combine your gift money and together give something special to someone who really needs it. One year my husband and I gave Heifer International water buffalos to poor families in our relatives names, although one brother wanted a photo and the name of his buffalo that I was unable, unfortunately, to supply for him. A gift does say more about the giver than it does for the receiver, and is a little risky emotionally. However, if someone dumps you for a bad gift, then consider yourself very lucky.

E. What are two steps for getting past our anxiety so we can make smart gift-giving decisions (please emphasis HOW to do this)?

1. Know if you are artificially trying to pump life in to a mismatched relationship by using a gift as a relationship combat weapon, ie. trying to make someone feel guilty for not loving you enough, or substituting money for real emotion, commitment and kindness. In my book Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love, it is easy to decipher the right relationship match for you and you will thus avoid many common pitfalls of dating. If a relationship is a good match, it takes very little effort to make it work, because a base of mutual acceptance makes the size of your gift meaningless.
2. Do not spend a cent over your budget and comfort level. If you do, then the gift has strings attached and is no longer a true gift. If someone should give you a “small” gift, just assume it is the best that they can do.

Friday, September 22, 2006


What to do when you've been disillusioned by or even betrayed by your boss. What is the psychology behind this? How do you react, why does this happen and what can you do about it?

Expectations in all relationships involve filling in the blanks with assumptions and fantasy. If someone is nice to us and smiles briefly we assume that they are a nice person. Sadly, we are often naive to the wooly white coat people wear when they need you or wish to take advantage of you. The interior wolfish personality is often well hidden the higher that a person ascends corporate and political ladders. In order to run a huge stressful corporation, medical practice or political campaign, niceties often fall behind expediency. The end justifies the means may feel like truck tire marks on your hard working back. First, separate personal attacks from general demands for Herculean efforts. State your limits. If you can not tolerate being sworn at, touched or yelled at in the heat of work battles then you must state your limits and be loud and be clear. Know before committing to a position that the boss usually hires like- minds and like-morals, meaning the rude customer service person probably has a rude boss. A trickle down effect of respect or the lack of it is evident in all work places. If you find you are surrounded by people you do not respect or like, your level of stress is increased in simply trying to perform your job with your co-workers. Your health may be impacted by that little anxiety knot in your stomach. If you can not find a supervisor who can help you right a wrong, call a head hunter for a new job. You often spend more time with your work family than your real family, so you have a right to enjoy your work day.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


This generation of parents, who experience increased responsibilities for their aging parents while their children remain at home longer, have less and less time for themselves or their marriage. As each overfilled and stressful demand on your time eats up day after day of your dwindling primetime, bottled up feelings of resentment can make family dynamics turn explosive. Here are some tips to cool down, slow down and prioritize. To begin to prioritize a jammed filled schedule you must take a through assessment of your dreams and goals. Think about when you are a spry ninety-nine year old rocking on your front porch. Can you visualize that? Ask yourself what you want your life to have meant to you and others. What will they say about you at your funeral? What do you think is important to succeed at in your lifetime? Is it only about avoiding sin? Is it about giving to others and sacrificing you? Are you to experience as much as possible, or are you to take all that you can? Questions like these help you to define yourself. Once you have how you would like to end up we can look at where you are now and begin to see the direction you must take to become who you want to be. Have you had broken dreams? Were you once a champion darts player but hurt your arm? Do you carry bitterness in your heart because you had a plan and it failed? When you see the football player running for a touchdown, the route is rarely a straight line. Rather a long run involves twists and spins, leaping over your own team member, bouncing and ricocheting over the competition, rolling and sliding, zigzagging to the goal line. We are on our feet cheering and waving the ball carrier to victory enjoying and laughing at every near miss and escape from defeat. How you get to your life satisfaction is fraught with difficulties and many changes in direction forced upon you. If you have it in your mind that success can only have one facet then life will be despair. If you can instead see yourself having a more generalized life goal of health prosperity, happiness and love then how you accomplish that goal becomes more creative and multifaceted means to your end goals are possible. http://askdrmolly.com/

Thursday, September 14, 2006

DAYTIME TELEVISION Dr. Molly Barrow author of Matchlines

Screen Actors Guild and AFTRA member, Dr. Molly Barrow is poised to become a household name. Dr. Molly is in development for her own psychological interview television program. Dr. Molly's agent, Archer King Ltd., (Manhattan-based literary and theatrical agent) is currently in discussion with Regis and Kelly, The Today Show and with Sue Solomon, producer of The View, for consideration of Matchline theory as a topic for their programming. Dr. Molly stars as herself in teen documentary, Ready to Explode, designed for release for television and school programs. Dr. Molly was an expert on coping methods for PBS In Focus After 9-11, How To Cope. Major radio stations in Los Angeles received a press kit containing Dr. Molly's Matchlines and a CD of the Dr. Molly Minute, a one-minute radio program of relationship tips. Dr. Molly appeared as an expert on NBC News regarding the effect of the Harry Potter book on children. Dr. Molly's played herself in independent feature film, My Suicide, a Sundance competitor.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Dr. Molly Matchlines Sells Out at Barnes and Noble In 30 Minutes With Long Lines

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