Hurt So Bad? Five Tips to Recover. Relationship Expert Dr. Molly Barrow
When someone you love breaks your heart what can you do to help stop the pain? Here are five tips to lift up your chin and your smile.
1. Jot Down the Facts
Is the hurtful scene playing and replaying over and over in your mind? He said this. She did that. Take out a paper and pen and write down whatever is spinning in your mind. This technique works even with annoying songs and commercial jingles. The mind will clear a little and give you a break from painful memories. Continue to add to your writing each time as you remember new facts or feelings.
2. Breathe, Eat, Drink
When we get emotional, we stop breathing deeply. This signals your body to pump out adrenalin and other hormones that mess up the balance of your body. Ditto for thirst, so make an effort to drink tons of water to help remove your anxiety toxins. Even though you may have lost your appetite, try to eat with nutrition in mind not a pint of ice cream that will only make you feel worse. Animals in the wild go off alone, stop drinking water and eating when they are preparing to die. That instinct is not helping us recover right now, so fight it.
3. Burst into Tears
When painful feeling begin to strangle you, find a dark private place and cry hard, let your sobs be loud and your shoulders shake, wail and pound your fists. Soon you will feel better and begin to feel a bit overly dramatic. Then change the drama to comedy and laugh hard and loud in the face of the depression monster. (See why it is important to be alone for this?) The emotional switch helps your mind and body believe you are safe.
4. I am Sorry
Do you need to apologize? Does someone need to apologize to you? Pride gets in the way of many apologies so I would not hold your breath waiting for someone to apologize. If that person comes creeping back to you, obviously they are sorry they did or said whatever. Actions speak louder than words. If the hurt was minor, forgive and forget. Families can be devastated over really minor, stupid, power struggles. Ask yourself if you are prepared to lose this relationship, before you do or say damaging unforgivable deeds. Keep your two cents to yourself.
5. Went Too Far?
Has the person truly done something you can not forgive and will never forget? Infidelity, stealing, betrayal of vows, lying or abandonment are big deals. Remember their unfair actions say they are not worthy, not that you are not worthy. Couples and families can recover with time and hours of communication that rebuild trust. Take time to assess if this relationship is good for you when it is at its best. Do you thrive in this person’s company or are you often hurt, intimidated, criticized and taken advantage of financially or emotionally. Maybe as painful as separation can be, in the long run you will find a better match. Right now while you are miserable and hurt, do not try to stop caring for the one that hurt you. Wait until you feel stronger and more capable of getting over the loss, and then reduce your contact with the person so they can not hurt you again.
For help deciding whether to stay or go read Matchlines.
BIO:
Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love,” ISBN 159507158X. She is an authority on relationship and psychological topics, a member of the American Psychological Association and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly has appeared as an expert in the film, My Suicide, documentaries Ready to Explode and KTLA Impact, NBC news, PBS In Focus, WBZT talk radio and in O Magazine, Psychology Today, Newsday, The Nest, MSN.com, Yahoo, Match.com, N Magazine, Women’s Health, Women’s World and Shrink About This columnist for Scripps newspapers and Menstuff.
To purchase Matchlines book please visit: http://www.askdrmolly.com
To read Dr. Molly Barrow daily blog: http://www.DrMollyBarrow.com/
1. Jot Down the Facts
Is the hurtful scene playing and replaying over and over in your mind? He said this. She did that. Take out a paper and pen and write down whatever is spinning in your mind. This technique works even with annoying songs and commercial jingles. The mind will clear a little and give you a break from painful memories. Continue to add to your writing each time as you remember new facts or feelings.
2. Breathe, Eat, Drink
When we get emotional, we stop breathing deeply. This signals your body to pump out adrenalin and other hormones that mess up the balance of your body. Ditto for thirst, so make an effort to drink tons of water to help remove your anxiety toxins. Even though you may have lost your appetite, try to eat with nutrition in mind not a pint of ice cream that will only make you feel worse. Animals in the wild go off alone, stop drinking water and eating when they are preparing to die. That instinct is not helping us recover right now, so fight it.
3. Burst into Tears
When painful feeling begin to strangle you, find a dark private place and cry hard, let your sobs be loud and your shoulders shake, wail and pound your fists. Soon you will feel better and begin to feel a bit overly dramatic. Then change the drama to comedy and laugh hard and loud in the face of the depression monster. (See why it is important to be alone for this?) The emotional switch helps your mind and body believe you are safe.
4. I am Sorry
Do you need to apologize? Does someone need to apologize to you? Pride gets in the way of many apologies so I would not hold your breath waiting for someone to apologize. If that person comes creeping back to you, obviously they are sorry they did or said whatever. Actions speak louder than words. If the hurt was minor, forgive and forget. Families can be devastated over really minor, stupid, power struggles. Ask yourself if you are prepared to lose this relationship, before you do or say damaging unforgivable deeds. Keep your two cents to yourself.
5. Went Too Far?
Has the person truly done something you can not forgive and will never forget? Infidelity, stealing, betrayal of vows, lying or abandonment are big deals. Remember their unfair actions say they are not worthy, not that you are not worthy. Couples and families can recover with time and hours of communication that rebuild trust. Take time to assess if this relationship is good for you when it is at its best. Do you thrive in this person’s company or are you often hurt, intimidated, criticized and taken advantage of financially or emotionally. Maybe as painful as separation can be, in the long run you will find a better match. Right now while you are miserable and hurt, do not try to stop caring for the one that hurt you. Wait until you feel stronger and more capable of getting over the loss, and then reduce your contact with the person so they can not hurt you again.
For help deciding whether to stay or go read Matchlines.
BIO:
Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love,” ISBN 159507158X. She is an authority on relationship and psychological topics, a member of the American Psychological Association and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly has appeared as an expert in the film, My Suicide, documentaries Ready to Explode and KTLA Impact, NBC news, PBS In Focus, WBZT talk radio and in O Magazine, Psychology Today, Newsday, The Nest, MSN.com, Yahoo, Match.com, N Magazine, Women’s Health, Women’s World and Shrink About This columnist for Scripps newspapers and Menstuff.
To purchase Matchlines book please visit: http://www.askdrmolly.com
To read Dr. Molly Barrow daily blog: http://www.DrMollyBarrow.com/
posted by Dr. Molly @ 9:15 AM
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