Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
MISSING SOMEONE SO MUCH IT HURTS? Try the Brokenheart Stomp! Dr. Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationship Love Self Help
When milestone days approach, a holiday, a birthday or deathday, do your emotions tumble downhill as you struggle with lonely, depressing efforts to hold back your feelings? Is the one you really want with someone else, or did he or she pass away, yet you hunger and yearn for whom is missing? Do you have to push away painful memories just to get through the day and that takes all your concentration and energy? The pain of heartbreak can be acute and overwhelming.Your grief keeps you focused on the pain when you think about them. Maybe after fifty years you only remember the day someone died or your first love's face as he left you. The grief blocks all the good memories that lie beneath waiting.
Would you like to try a quick fix for an enduring heartache?
You have memories of these people that are yours to enjoy, too. If you can just get past the grief, even temporarily, you might recapture lost moments of joy.
Take tonight to be alone and set the stage for memories of someone who was once precious, but is now missing. Light some candles, get out the worn photos, drop the fake smile from your face....finally, and allow yourself to really feel the pain. Step into the murky water of your tears and despair and wail and cry, for say, ten minutes. Then, take the next ten minutes to crank up some rhythmic music and express the pain physically. Boldly and wildly move your body in an expression of your hurt. Next, gradually change the dance to a joyful or silly one, like the chicken dance. The physical efforts release brain chemicals. Hopefully, no one is watching this cathartic gig but if someone is, explain that you dance for your health.
Grief held inside is poison. The act of grieving is about releasing the toxic thoughts and physical ramifications of those thoughts. Faking it, smiling when you could split apart in pain or pretending you do not care is not fooling your organs. Get the pent up rage, despair, guilt or envy out of you. Just talking about it or ignoring it will not release grief as well as the Brokenheart Stomp. The change from a grieving movement to a happier movement will send a powerful signal to the mind that you are trying to recover from grief.
Purging grief is a detoxifing cleanse that allows you to recover joy and balance to your mind and gut. You NEVER have to stop feeling love and longing for what you miss, but you need to periodically fall back deeply into your sadness, feel terrible and then release it quickly just like a cramp in your foot. When the pain begins to build up, try shaking it out and then laugh loudly long before you sincerely feel happy. Our bodies respond to the emotion we act out, so act out a joyful dance.
Loving someone - even if it does not last - can become a source of experience and strength to treasure, if you learn to release the grief regularly. Grief can last years, but your nervous system needs a break frequently. The Heartbreak Stomp may shorten the pain by grieving the feelings out just a bit while you laugh at your antics. Take this opportunity to remember the good and bask for a bit in positive memories of having loved someone dearly. Eventually, the pain will go and the good memories will heal your heart and last forever.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
A wonderful article by Lisa Belkin (The Life's Work columnist for the New York Times and XM Satellite Radio host) on Nagging gives Dr. Molly Barrow an opportunity to shine in Oprah's magazine: O Magazine. Thank you Lisa and Oprah. Please let them know if you would like to hear more about Matchlines and Dr. Molly Barrow.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
1. Stop and Listen
What is the sound of your company? Is it the same throughout or do you have pockets of intolerable noise. Does heavy silence shroud other locations? Visit areas of the company that are struggling and make note of the ambiance. Noise level can induce stress in sensitive individuals within seconds. Oppressive silence may make an attention deficit individual unable to focus and a skittish customer uncomfortable.
2. Crack the Sound Barrier
Do you have loud machinery that rattles nerves and jars the mind streams into pools of anxiety? Improve office quality with quiet equipment from the copier to the coffee grinder. Muffled equipment may cost more but is worth every penny in soothing frazzled nerves. Provide earphones for workers for hearing protection and their own sound selection.
3. Variety Spices It Up
Never ending tapes of repetitive music will create boredom in your employees and in their performance. Some sound equipment allows you to select a random setting. A Random setting on repetitive tapes helps to create musical surprise even after 365 days of the company’s same sound.
4. Too Strict Management Atmosphere
Are your employees stifled by work protocol and kept at attention constantly? Even ridged workplaces have wisely chosen to evolve into more people-friendly surroundings and better accommodate employee and customer needs. A more relaxed atmosphere is conducive to creating customer relationships and that equals more business.
5. One Sound Fits All
Music is in the ear of the listener and the rest is all noise. Preferences are a result of learned behavior acquired from childhood beginning before they were born and are extremely difficult to alter. Poll your employee’s needs for music, silence, warmth, light, privacy or companionship and let them rearrange their work stations to be more comfortable and efficient.
6. Chain, Chain, Chain
If your middle management wiz is all about country and your draftsperson is strictly classical, who should win the mood war? The musical comfort of management who is mobile and floats through an environment checking on details should be second to someone who is a prisoner of their desk.
7. Beware the Holiday Song Tape
Repeat Pa Rumpa Pa Pum one thousand times every day after Halloween until New Years Day while making change or counting inventory. Impossible, however, management creates these mind-numbing states in their best employees. Does your company have seasonally surges and simultaneously hypnotize the staff? Lowered production with increased demand may break the success of your company. Your customers may need to escape if they are tired of hearing the same music, too. Think outside the box and artfully create a holiday mood that is more stimulating and less annoying.
8. Use Music and Sound to Enhance Production
Some offices require constant conversation. Office Business Music, like perfume or cologne, is best when barely there, a light sweet scent floating in the air of your office, caressing the nerves of your highly stressed employee, mending the frazzles and allowing their bodies to undulate slowly in their executive chairs. The “World Mixes” lightly stimulate your employee’s mind with great variety and without disharmonious overload. Some offices require constant physical motion and less conversation. Action Office Music requires a more upbeat and slightly higher volume to fill the silence and move to the beat. Customer Consideration Music is vital to some businesses. While your patient waits for an MRI, use music to help sooth their high anxiety. If you want your customer to eat quickly and vacate their chair for the next person, speed up the tempo. Match the excitement of buying a new car or outfit with hot dance tunes.
9. Ask Any Fifteen-Year-Old
Someone in your office probably already knows how to give the workplace an ear lift. Management could wire offices with modern individual speakers and electronic systems that allow for adjustable volume and choice of music within designated areas.
10. Trickle Down Sound
Management can chose to have a workplace filled with music, busy murmuring voices, laughter and positive statements or the noise of criticism and tension. Encourage laughter by emailing the joke or funny story of the day from the CEO. Catch your employees doing something right and compliment them loudly. If management notices something amiss, whisper to the person who needs to correct their behavior. Adults bask in attention from their boss the way that children require attention from their parents. Sing complements, not criticism to achieve the best performance from your employees.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Addicted people can be, in a very real way, deaf, dumb and blind to your genuine love. A full-blown addiction can render the longest Loveline potential imaginable a Bottomline. If you are addicted to any substance, please make the call for professional help as soon as you have a moment of strength. Be clean and sober to improve the quality of your life and the quality of the love you have to give.
Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love.” She is an authority on relationship and psychological topics, a member of the American Psychological Association and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in Psychology Today, O Magazine, Newsday, MSN.com, Match.com, Women’s Health, The Nest, AIA, Manage Smarter and Women’s World. Please visit: http://www.askdrmolly.com http://www.DrMollyBarrow.com/
Sunday, December 10, 2006
1. Do I need to impress someone with what I can buy?
2. Am I ashamed because I waited too long to shop and now I must buy something expensive because I will never find a good deal.
3. Is my company not enough to give to people I love.
Next year agree with your family to have a "debt-free" holiday. Make a list with your friends and family. Select two names each from the list and be in charge of their presents. Set an amount that everyone can afford, $10 or $50. Buy many little gifts or one big present but do not go over the dollar limit for each person.
No one should be slaving alone in the kitchen so have a great potluck dinner and exchange gifts over dessert. As a group give a little to the poor by buying a goat or water buffalo for a family through Heifer International. Think what a better lesson that would demonstrate to your children.
Maxing out a charge card is no way to celebrate the season of agape love. While you celebrate the Holidays, remember to love your self too, by sharing the workload and lowering everyone's expectations of spending and receiving expensive gifts.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
When people with a great capacity to love (Longerlines) use the word “love,” their definition of that word includes their entire experience of love since their earliest childhood. Unfortunately, Shorterlines use the exact same word, “love,” but their experience of love may bear no resemblance whatsoever to the Longerlines’ definition of love.
This is where your understanding of the dynamics of an unmatched Love-line Relationship begins, in the situation where you have a Longerline paired with a Shorterline.
Shorterlines may have experienced limited nurturing and affection in life, and/or possess a history of pain and neglect mixed into their very earliest memories. When Shorterlines “love” you, they are giving you the best love they know how to give. They are giving all that they are currently capable of giving regardless of whether you find those efforts satisfactory or unsatisfactory, fulfilling or disappointing. This is the fundamental disconnect in understanding the concept of finding “balance” between two relatively normal, yet distinctly different Love-lines in a relationship.
Quite often, Shorterlines know very little about the kind of love that is sky high and limitless, unconditional and genuinely passionate—the kind of love that Longerlines are more capable of giving and receiving and tend to expect. For the Shorterline, possible past trauma or neglect has can formed an internal “ceiling,” which inhibits them and obscures the sky. Shorterlines simply have great difficulty seeing above their personal ceiling to the heights of the Longerlines’ ceilings—and that is the crux of many problems in such a relationship.
Shorterlines are giving as much love as they have to give, never beyond what they perceive love to be. They do not think about the qualities of love beyond the confines of their own ceiling, which inhibits their ability to Love. Their love “handicap,” which is inhibiting them, is that they cannot act beyond the length or capacity of their Love-line. Each of us is limited by our own Love-line ceiling. Let us look at this concept a little closer.
I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH
When someone tells you that they love you, what they truly mean is their (not your) definition and understanding of love to the extent of their Love-line ceiling, but never beyond it. Your partner’s definition of love is only as high as their ceiling allows them to love. Your partner gives you what they can. They are not withholding love—despite what you may feel. They simply do not have the capacity to give you more of what you feel you need and want.
Bear in mind, if you are the Longerline in a relationship, the concept of a Shorterline is not meant to be an excuse for your partner’s genuine displays of selfishness. The visual picture is to help you understand the real reasons why some people just don’t have the same capacity to give and receive love as others—even when they, themselves, sincerely believe they are doing the best that they possibly can.
The important point to focus on is determining the extent of the Love-line Gap between you and an existing or potential partner. If the Love-line Gap is small, love will be easier for you both. If the Love-line Gap is great, finding a harmonious love will be harder. Unfortunately, Love-line Gaps are common, but the good news is that the better you understand them, and their dynamics, the easier the work to balance a relationship will be for you and your partner.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Where is a great place to meet a single? All venues, such as gyms or other unisex sport, workshops, conventions and volunteer venues may contain quality people. However just as easily they might be heartbreakers. How does anyone meet someone? First, you have to do some hard work on knowing yourself, what are deal breakers for you and what qualities are most important to you in a partner, before you begin shopping for one. The first place to look is at your friends. Who makes you laugh, feel better when you are down and is alot like you? Certainly, if you shop in a bar or wild party, you might pick up a drunk. If you shop at conventions or work related events, you may discover someone else’s wife or husband out for adventure. If you go to the golf course, realize an avid sportsman may be on the eighth tee when you are going in delivery with your first child. If you are rushed by a gorgeous woman, ask yourself if it's your money or you, that she is after. Most workshops and college courses contain potential thinking partners. That is always a plus. At volunteer venues, avoid the Star who uses "giving" just to get attention. Instead, check out who is quietly doing the bad jobs without playing the victim. That person may just be a sincere and unselfish human being. You can take the Matchlines test with every potential partner to be sure you match up!
Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love.” She is an authority on relationship and psychological topics, a member of the American Psychological Association and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in Psychology Today, O Magazine, Newsday, MSN.com, Match.com, Women’s Health, The Nest, AIA, Manage Smarter and Women’s World. Please visit: http://www.ask.drmolly.com/ http://www.DrMollyBarrow.com/
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love.” She is a leading forensic expert and authority on relationship issues and a licensed mental health counselor. A member of the American Psychological Association, Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA, GO-CO feature film My Suicide, WGUF-FM, the documentary "Ready to Explode," and interviews for Psychology Today, Newsday, O Magazine, MSN.com, Match.com, Hitched and The Nest. For more information, please visit:www.askdrmolly.com.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
This is the place to recognize your father, grandfather, husband, uncle or any other special someone who served in the war with a lasting tribute that expresses your deep gratitude and respect. It’s a different kind of gift for a birthday or anniversary (or to remember a lost loved one), but you don’t need a special occasion to honor your vet. Any day is a good one to say thank you to and salute a veteran in your family for his—or her—selfless contributions to this country.
To post a tribute, fill out the screen form and, if you wish, upload a photograph, scanned documents or other visuals you would like to include in your vet’s commemoration. Once you submit everything, you will receive a special commemorative certificate that can be gift wrapped and presented to your vet or treasured as a keepsake. For less than $30.00 you can honor a true hero who has given so much to this country. You will also be supporting World War II Daily in its mission to preserve the history of the war by using the latest media and technology to appeal to a new generation.
My sixteen-year-old daughter will soon be getting her drivers license. Her seventeenth birthday is just twenty days away, and then, there is Christmas.
For several months, she has been visualizing herself, having and driving her own not-too-old, two-door black Honda Civic, going where she needs to go, to and from her part-time job, with her boot-legged music playing, occasionally accompanied by her prettiest girl pal, being free.
My main question, from a parent’s point of view, is, “How will I know when my teen girl is mature and responsible enough to have her own car?”
A secondary question is, “Are there any requisite behavior traits (hers) I might watch for?”
And finally, “Do you feel weak academic performance (A, B, D, F) and chronic tardiness are factors of any significance to consider?”
Considering that every single student in her junior class or above has their very own automobile except for mine, any insights, or resource suggestions you may have would be appreciated and may help us to stem the incessant nagging and the flood of tears and insults pouring through our home lately.
Thanks, and happy holidays.
Mature and responsible is more probable in a twenty-something person than a sixteen year old. Perhaps you should reduce your expectations to “No Injuries.” What causes many parents the most angst is that we remember what we did in cars as teenagers. However, the reality is that our society hands over the keys of adulthood to our children at age eighteen. That leaves you, the parent, with only slightly more than a year left to help her “get it” - that she must hone her survival skills more intensely than her freedom or partying skills. Several indicators are in her favor like the part-time job and the A and B grades. Both require maturity and responsibility to achieve and maintain. She is already a year older than most beginners who are on the road. On the other hand, D and F grades often reflect a careless attitude (possibly excluding algebra). She actually is not the only one who does not own a car, only approximately 12% of the world population has cars unlike the junior class. Chronic tardiness and driving faster may link. While you may be encouraging her to be on time, if she accelerates over the speed limit to achieve punctuality, the consequences could be deadly. Her life is far more important than any arbitrary deadlines, school or job regulations. Teenage priorities bear no resemblance to what adults consider important so instill parental consequences (losing car privileges) for speeding, reckless driving or accidents. A “city limits only” rule is helpful to keep from getting a call from the Miami police when you think she is at the movies. Another good rule is “if the stoplight turns yellow that means stop for her not go-fast.” Regardless of her tears, you are in control and you are responsible for her legally. Nagging and tantrum meltdowns are part of the emotionally revved teenager and demonstrate immaturity, but insults are abuse. Abusive behavior from a husband, wife or teenager usually continues to escalate until the abuser wins or the victim stands up. Children reflect many parental characteristics, good and bad. Ask yourself if you nag, have emotional fits or hurl insults before you judge her too harshly. If you can deal with your children in a respectful manner, they will eventually return the favor. O.K. Maybe that is a long shot. Chances are she will appreciate and show gratitude for the privilege of owning one of the 531 million gas-guzzlers on the planet. However, warn your friends to run their errands before school lets out. Remember that mutual trust and love are what helps a teenager stop rebelling, say no to temptations and somehow, before your eyes become mature and responsible.
Do you have a question, worry or opinion you would like Dr. Molly to write about in her column? Write to firstname.lastname@example.org
Monday, December 04, 2006
Tips by Dr Molly Barrow, a psychotherapist, author and relationship expert. She provides ways of reducing conflict during the holiday season and making it less stressful.
Here are her tips on how to cope with the chaos and reduce stress during the
- The most important thing to remember is to celebrate the concept of the
holidays. It's not about an individual person; we are coming together with
our families to demonstrate the power of love, awe and something larger than
the everyday problems that we all have.
- Your significant other and extended family have the potential to irritate
you but it's up to you to take the higher road. Do you really want to
remember fighting during the holidays or would you rather dwell on the
positive memories that you could be making?
- Get your kids involved. Planning for the children is essential to make a
holiday pleasant and less stressful. Delegate all duties in advance of the
holiday and discuss the jobs with each member of the family. Have a list of
age-appropriate tasks and allow each person to choose the jobs they want.
Small children eagerly want to help.
- Some jobs must remain adults-only. Letting children know in advance the
jobs they can successfully do eliminates them in a busy kitchen, underfoot
and in danger. Keeping very young children happy and occupied is a full-time
job that responsible older children can share with hour-long shifts for pay
-During the big game or the demanding kitchen preparations, a trip to the
park may save the children from preoccupied parental criticism and reduce
the overall family stress.
- Fairness requires a delegation of duties and equal entertainment and
relaxation periods often helped by placing a television in the kitchen so
the kitchen chef or helper does not miss a play. Gone are the days when
women slaved in the kitchen while the men folk gathered in the den -
Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new
book, "Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and
Making the Right Choices in Love." She is a leading forensic expert and
authority on relationship issues and mental health. A member of the American
Psychological Association, Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA,
WGUF-FM, the feature film "My Suicide," and the documentary "Ready to
Saturday, December 02, 2006
TEN STEPS TO CHANGE BAD NEWS FEAR AND LOATHING TO POSITIVE ACTION Dr. Molly Barrow Matchlines Relationship Self Help
Dr. Molly Barrow
People are more civilized in nearly every country now than we were in our more brutal past. However, are you having trouble finding good news? Is the world a mess or could there be a different purpose for the plethora of bad news? Someone once said, “Follow the money.” Psychologists and advertisers know that a frightened populous that freezes in dread is unable to switch the channel. Does conflict and atrocity allow stations to sell higher-priced airtime to advertisers on television and radio? Do politicians keep you fearful to maintain control? You might consider these other choices rather than remaining a programmed, captive audience.
1. Six O’clock Shadow of Depression
After you have worked all day, do you sit down to a nice meal, turn on the television, internet or radio and listen to loud doomsday hawkers drone on interrupted on occassion by their sponsor. Some nights try listening to your favorite music, eat in peace and talk to your child about virtues like kindness, fairness and compassion.
2. The Consumer Rules
Do you buy products from sponsors of “misleading news sources?” A sponsor is extremely sensitive to consumer complaints. Be sure to tell the sponsor why you are unhappy. Sponsors can influence the networks and other media to reduce suppositions and lies of negative entertainment that masquerades as news and bring back more truthful reporting.
3. Push the Button
Are you flooded with negativity from multiple sources? Take a news break. You will save electricity and possibly your own sanity. Most weekly summaries are sufficient to keep you informed with less sensationalism and more factual information. Your adrenals will appreciate the break from constant stress and drama. Often the same story is repeated to fill the demand for news twenty-four seven.
4. Study History.
History often records wars as markers in time, ignoring periods of peace. Is our world in worse shape than the bad ole days of Roman dominance, Crusade slaughters, Russian oppression, WWII, Egyptian slavery or Mongolian wars? The majority of people are living peacefully at present, although typically there is at least one war going on somewhere. Do you think peace is news worthy? Let the media know if you do.
5. Not That Bad for You and Me
Royalty once reserved the good life for themselves. Now many people live full lives with access to education, food and luxuries. Cultures and societies develop unevenly with some areas trailing hundreds of years behind European and American standards. Necessities like food, clean water, medicine and shelter might be easy to provide to suffering families if world leaders would unite to assist the poor.
You may need to work off some frustration by doing more and complaining less. Take a walk with your spouse or pet. Become a loud voice to City Hall, your Senator or your Congressperson. Are you worried about global warming? You could turn in the gas-guzzler for a sipper, plant trees in your neighborhood, start a recycling business, turn soybeans into fuel, change your light bulbs or educate anyone who will listen. Just be any part of a good news solution to Earth’s problems.
7. Reality Check
Are most of the people you know nice, helpful and socialized human beings? You can find kind people who offer help and smiles in Nevis, Kenya, India, Costa Rica, Haiti, Japan, Switzerland, Italy, Cuba, Russia, Afghanistan, Iran, Africa and everywhere who are more good than bad. Travelers know this is true all over the world. Yet, even the great United States loses her beauty if led by ugliness, prejudice or religious intolerance. Your view of the world can become sickly skewed from the big business of anxiety designed to keep the majority placated and passive. You could try to have a good conversation with two new people this week who look differently from yourself and begin to make the world a friendlier place.
8. Bad Apples
Mental illness, greed and cruelty exist in small percentages throughout all society. Sometimes old enemies become our best friends. We are still learning and we have a long way to go, but certain truths are working - freedom, government by the people, the Bill of Rights, help your neighbor, do only what you want done to you, and peaceful co-existence. The good people far outnumber the bad, so good will likely win, if they are vigilant. A setback of centuries will occur if the majority loses freedom and fairness because of a few bad apples. Prevention rather than paranoia will help protect communities and increase their safety by following recommendations of authorities, police, fire and public safety.
9. Are You Sheep or Are You Civilized?
Driven, obsessed people with an ax to grind make the big effort to become powerful, political leaders and heads of organizations because – lazily, we let them. A dysfunctional leader may dupe fine and innocent people who then deserve pity for their plight, not hatred. The people need support and assistance to help them get on the right road again. Strong diplomacy and sanctions, rather than cruel shock or immoral awe, will rid countries of tyrannical mistakes. You could make a list of your personal values and think about them on a national and global scale.
10. What? Me Run for Office?
If you passively stand by and avoid civic responsibility, then inept, powerful or evil spokespeople could lead you down their wrong path. If you are a wise and virtuous person, consider a run for office in your community, school, church or government and take the path that leads to good news.